OMG

Ok so not such a positive post...and yes i know i been MIA for a month....just need to vent.....
we agreed that the kids will go to their fathers tonight and i get them back lunch tomorrow and he gets them back after lunch on xmas day....then they are staying for a week....ok so kids packed ready to go waiting for daddy...miss 5 knows it friday night and has been waiting for it for a few days (she knows the routine now)....he doesnt show...so i message him..."i thought i was getting them after christmas"...so i rang him....now if it was a misunderstanding and he ackniwledged that and apologised and worked with me then different story....but when i tell him his children are sitting atthe door waiting for him his response was "oh well" his entire attitude was as if he didnt want them for more thn he has to. That is the same attitude i get from him all the time...I offer him plenty of opportunities to have his kids extra times, longer days, public holidays but he never wants them. He wants me to stay close so he can see them all the time but he never does. He didnt come to her preschool graduation. Left her dancing concert as soon as she had finished and didnt care to say goodbye except i was heading out to get her after her dance and caught him and made him say goodbye to her but they didnt to my little man...
I have tried everythign possible to communicate with him effectively, but its really hard when he starts stonewalling me and doesnt even want to discuss them with me.
BUt back to this afternoon....poor little miss 5 was in a right old mess...and i had no explanation for her...she just kept crying daddy daddy daddy daddy and started throwing big tantrums...i was horrible and naughty and mean....she asked me to drive her over there, but i couldnt do it...i wasnt putting them in the middle of a scene...it is not fair on them....i rang him to try and get him to talk to her and tell her why he wasnt coming coz i was at a loss for what to say and he had gone out...his mum then told me that he said i told him not to worry about the kids until after xmas, which i definetely did not....miss 5 asked me to ring his mobile then but he didnt answer and never called me back. which is another thing i have pronblems with is him returnign my calls/messages etc...we had big cuddles and i tried to explain that i couldnt just take them around there if daddy said no....meanwhile with his sister in tears and the news that he wasnt going to daddys, mr 2 1/2 was in tears as well and yelling etc....poor kids...what could i do...we eventually had enough cuddles and we settled down and got dinner....after dinner she told me that she was sorry for being upset and saying i was mean...i told her it was ok she was allowed to be upset becasue i know she was looking forward to going to daddys house, but it wasnt my fault and there wasnt much i could do about it and if i could fix it i would, but i cant.....she told me i was the best mummy. It breaks my heart to see the poor kids effected like that.
It frustrates me when they say he didnt give them a bath all weekend or when i see her wearing the same undies she went in 48 hours or more before, it frustrates me knowing that he takes them to playmaze every sunday he has them and to think that he sits in the corner reading a book while they play (as a friend accidentally ran into him there one day and told me thats what he did). All i want for my babies is the best that i can give them...im not upset that it ruined my plans for the evening or upset me...im upset becasue he upset them and let them down and doesnt seem to care.

Tuesday 29-11-11

- went to the pools with a friend...Little Mr freaked out being taken to the deep part, but eventually got him over it and he was jumping in and kicking and having fun
- little brother did give me some money plus a "little bit" more...checked my account and it was double what i originally asked for
- Oh and i forgot yesterday, but Austswim exam is all done and passed easily...now just prac to do and CPR

Mon 28-11-11

- Picked up little miss's tap shoes finally (only $15)
- Preschool graduation tonight - so proud of my big little miss....and she did such a great job with the dances they did
- Had to ask brother to borrow some money to help me out coz im up the creek so he is going to help me :)

Sunday 27-11-11

- Austswim day 2...much better day (lady knew what she was doing)
- Loved being asked by others for help and suggestions and stuff and teacher was happy to let me answer/help people
- Pretty much got offered another job at another pool by the lady running it...so thats a choice of 3 pools...(so if i move back near mums and the one their does close over winter it gives me another option over there for the winter)

Saturday 26-11-11

- Austswim course begins today...miss it more than i thought...glad to be doing it again
- OK so it was actually boring and I could have done a better job than the guy...oh wait i sort of did....kept putting my 2 bob in to help make it clearer and give them tips etc....but i felt good and a bit more confident knowing i remembered/knew so much stuff...lol
- Loved being back in the pool

Friday 25-11-11

- Christmas "fun" photo shoot today
- LOOOVED the preview pictures...they look awesome
- Old phone seems to be working....just have to get all my stuff off it now

Thursday 24-11-11

ok so the next few days are catch up posts again, but that much has happened im going to back track them individually
- so after yesterdays phone drowning i got myself my new phone today..HTC vs iphone...HTC won...free on my current plan so I have a fancy new phone, without spending any money
- changed my plan to the "big" plan so i actually get twice as many calls for the same price
- councelling session was good, and we decided im getting to the point where we are nearly at the end...down to monthly sessions now with an assessment at easter to see if things are ok and if i still need to continue